burdened wings

We carry with us that which has passed, that which is still now, that which is yet to come…
no wonder we are kneeling with eyes looking at the sky.

Quote

When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy. When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.
~Kahlil Gibran

Today's state of mind

Pursuit Of Happyness

There I go again, same problem of Insomnia. Can you believe it? I slept this morning at 7 and got up 3 hours later. Now, I'm having this obnoxious hang over in my head. I'm sure this time my head is going to burst into two!

Anyway, so what was I doing last night? Couldn't possibly figured out anything else than watching the downloaded movie- Pursuit of Happyness (a Will Smith and Thandie Newton flick) at 3am this morning. (hahaa curse my vampire nature)

I remember thinking, before even starting the movie, how much that title appealed to me. The pursuit of happiness. I think the concept of happiness is just that: a concept. A theory - something that simply does not exist. Perhaps there are fleeting moments of happiness, but they are only the result of immersing yourself so completely in a moment that you choose to block out the natural progression of your thoughts. But for one to truly exist in a simple state of happiness - to just BE happy - indefinitely? That, I believe, is impossible.

I think it is against human nature to be completely happy, because happiness goes hand in hand with contentment, and who is ever really satisfied with the status quo? Who is ever content enough with what he or she has? It's human nature to constantly want - more and more. To want to better yourself, your situation, your surroundings. To think, "Yes, I have a great job, a great home, a loving family, this and that, and thank God for all of it, but if only I could get a raise, or maybe get that bonus, that promotion, a new roof, a better car, a guarantee for my children's education, so on and so forth." Nothing is ever ENOUGH. You accomplish one dream, and you immediately develop a new one. Just to keep going. To give life meaning; flavor.

It's like missing. You are always missing something or someone wherever you are - you'll never be able to find yourself NOT missing. There will always be something/someone to miss, wherever you are and whatever you're doing. Again, human nature.

And this morning when I opened the DC supplementary newspaper, my eyes went straight to the quote "A person is never happy except at the price of some ignorance" -Anatole France. That's a quite remarkable saying which made me ponder sometimes ignoring few things is indeed a bliss. And despite it all, it's the most natural thing in the world to 'pursue' happiness from unhappiness. To convince yourself that there are thousands of people out there who are not surrounded by all that happiness, contentment, satisfaction, and that it's all just around you.

And those few moments of fleeting happiness you experience every once in a while, dotting your life like precise punctuation, there when needed - those are the moments that make the pursuit worth it.

And you sit back, and tell yourself, "I'm happy. I'm really, truly happy, for this one second in time, so happy I feel like I'm going to burst."

Sometimes even I don't understand what I mean. Oh whatever! LOL

today

knowledgeproof

a proof against knowledge
is absurd…
yet
desirable.
for it protects us
from our own minds.
and re-designs
our thinking.

Silliness

Bugs Bunny once said, "Don't take life too seriously. You'll never get out alive."


That rabbit knows what he's talking about.

Sure, it's hard to remind yourself of this sometimes, with all the depression you see around you and the horror your hear on the news, but you HAVE to find it in you to take it easy, otherwise the ride will only ever get bumpier. And there are enough potholes in the road to start off with, so there you go. And thats what I am actively trying to do lately.

I am the Queen of Silliness (ask those who know me better). I can amuse myself while lying on the floor of my room, staring at the ceiling fan (go round and round, round and round, round and round...). I like to test how long I can keep jumping from one bed to its sister bed before falling and twisting an ankle. I love, still, building fortresses with bed covers and pillows and cushions, then hiding inside with a book and flashlight. And of course, producing strang, scary noises that are aimed at scaring the hell out of my brother in the next room. hahaa

And hey! its not just me! To note it up about the conversation I had with one of my friend Srini on how silly things we talk and do just to ward off our tensions.

naaz: lets have vodka ek ek peg... bhuladenge saare dukhon ko
srini: okay, I have scotch n bacardi also...mere partner ka he...
srini: aur khatam karke paani bhar denge
naaz: lol... toh laooo....fullltooosssh peeenge
srini: heres for u
cheers
bottoms up karte he
burrrrrrrr...do do window kaha se agaye
aikkk
do do naaz are wahh
ha ha
aiiikkkkkkkkkkkk
phir se do do
loag kehte hee me sharaaabiii hunn
nasha sharab me hota tho nachti bootlle
naaz: bahut pee liye re tu....ab bus...mujhe de
srini: hai...thoda pina
khatam matt karnaa
aikkkkk
oyeee
u passed out kya

I admit it! That way way silly.
And I am adamant about refusing to grow up.

I strongly prescribe the silly doses described above. Translation: "go nuts and do it with style". The fact remains that, the crazier you act, the saner you will remain. It has been tried and tested and take it from me, everyone likes a crazy person.

"The......wipers on the bus go swish swish swish, swish swish swish, swish swish swish...The wipers on the bus go swish swish swish, ALL DAY LONG!!!!!" And my car's wipers go swish, zingg, _____, swing___ (stucked)! Ah! 'cause they aren't working properly! This reminds me to give my car for servicing. Will give it tomorrow. yeah

Only One

In this awakening sleep
we daily walk
there is only one dream that counts…
meaning.

Less

our marvelous brain…
home of words and songs
of flights and falls
of suicides and renewals
of Shakespeare and Machiavelli…
home
little great home...
where we sometimes feel
homeless.

Words

PS: Am dedicating this to all my friends

Desperation post

I hate it that I do not have a single coherent thought to blog comprehensively about. I honestly have been thinking on what to post for the past 24 hours at least - it's that intense. I can't bare the thought of allowing a day to pass without having posted a single post, and so the pressure is increasing, I'm stressing and I've come up with nothing.

I think the bottom line is: I have nothing to say at the moment.

Wow.

Naaz. Having. Nothing. To. Say.

This is a big deal. Huh. I'm gonna have to think about that.

SOS

It's back. It's so completely back. This is VERY BAD. Very very bad.

The insomnia is back - has been for THREE DAYS now. It is 4:47 in the morning and I am WIDE AWAKE. Last night I passed out at 4:45 I think.

The night before that, I did'nt sleep at all as I was traveling back home in an idiotic cumbersome bus. And both times, I'm wide awake 3 hours later. NOW, instead, it's almost 5, there's no hope or salvation in sight, and I am SO gonna pay for this tomorrow.

I'm like the living dead. When I'm not being unnaturally hyper, that is.

My mind has been racing for three days now. And I lost the brakes that will make it stop and park on the side for a while so I can recharge my batteries.

What to do, what to do, what to do????

If I don't get some relief soon, my plan is to just run as fast as I can straight into the wall, head first. I'm thinking, the impact will probably knock me out, and I'll sink, unconscious, to the floor, and indulge in a deep and undisturbed sleep.

Good idea, no?

Yes, yes. Good idea.

Pointless

I wish I can play the guitar.

Demise

Okay! Lets face it! I seriously can't leave this place. This place is my stress buster after all. Well what I think is sometimes the only way we can face our fears is to voice them. And instead of 'that whatever thing' tormenting you, you better have to blast it out. It’s almost like a deliverance of sorts. Once it’s given a voice, the fear of it diminishes. I do not recommend dwelling on fears, because that is when fear will consume you. It loves to be the focus of attention, and it will dance with all its might if given a chance. Scribbling your mind is something like fear therapy. By bringing it to the light, it is not a hidden monster, festering in the depths of my anxiety-ridden soul.

Being attached to health related field makes me appreciate how easy it is for people to die from one single mistake. It happens in the best hospitals in the world and by the most competent doctors that you can think of and in a country like India it is sometimes bound to happen . There isn't a doctor, a nurse, or a pharmacist in the world who can say she/he have not committed at least ten big mistakes in their career. The major part as well goes to the hospital authorities.

But on the other side, the reality of nonexistence is too bitter, too cold and too detached. It really hurts watching your loved one dieing in front of you. And the delirium goes to the peak when the reason of death is a simple mistake or negligence done by someone. Just a similar incident to narrate is of my uncle's. Few months back he was admitted to hospital, reason: having fractured pelvic girdle resulted from sudden collapse. Doctors thought operating and fitting metal strips is the only best option instead of traction/ other alternative. After a successful operation yet he died from hospital acquired complications-pneumonia, staph, and serratia.

Need a break!

I'm totally done explaining people what I am and what I am not. What I did and what I did'nt. What compelled me to speak out and what I fear would befall if I speak now. It really sounds pathetic now that people out there are thinking that am deriving pleasure out of it! And getting irritated. Irritated? ahan! yeah!! I am irritated explaining you all my plight because you all are misunderstanding. Why don't you all understand that every individual is different and unique. The way I perceive things, you might not perceive things the same way- plainly, because am not YOU! Not even like SHE/HE! And I just cant be like anyone else! If you hate me for am not what you want me to be or for what am not doing which you expect me to do, then simply HATE me!

Even now you don't understand? Well, I'm what I'll be trying to figure out for the rest of my life. Not your business? yeah I know, Um.. I'm what I want you to believe. Most people like me, if you go with the herd, you might find me adorable, simply because I'm VERY ordinary. I have my own individuality and this is the way I am. I cant be you and I don't want you to be like me.


Well, anyways, I seriously need a break, I guess.
This is my last post of the month, or better still till I'm very much okay.
See you all later.

Rants and Rambles

This blog is dedicated to the art of complaining.
My head is numb and so as my fingers. (Excess Adrenalin secretion perhaps)
Heart, full of pain inside.
Yet am smiling just to show others that am alright. But who am I kidding?
I want to start this off as a way for me to let out the rants and ramblings that may fester within my soul if left inside me, but who am I kidding again? I TRY and tell myself that I'm actively trying to avoid trouble, but that's a joke, because a) trouble finds me wherever I am, and b) this blog and orkut profile has gotten me into enough trouble as it is, so I'm obviously delusional.

In human intercourse the tragedy begins, not when there is misunderstanding about words, but when silence is not understood

Frozen

You only see what your eyes want to see
How can life be what you want it to be
You're frozen
When your heart's not open

You're so consumed with how much you get
You waste your time with hate and regret
You're broken
When your heart's not open

Mmmmmm, if I could melt your heart
Mmmmmm, we'd never be apart
Mmmmmm, give yourself to me
Mmmmmm, you hold the key

Now there's no point in placing the blame
And you should know I suffer the same
If I lose you
My heart will be broken

Love is a bird, she needs to fly
Let all the hurt inside of you die
You're frozen
When your heart's not open

If I could melt your heart
~Madonna

PS: My all time favorite song. Simply love it!

Stargazing

There is nothing more beautiful than a clear night sky and it is a rare thing to find shooting stars seen gliding across the sky. Back then when I was in school, I use to squat just outside my home under the stars in eager anticipation of the night's sky show. But now, hardly finding out time for it. The risks of darkness never frightened me but instead challenged my imagination even more. Night's gifts are out of the ordinary, ec-static and always unexpected.

Once a stranger to me, Orion used to be merely another bunch of unknown stars to my naked eyes. I still remember very well, my brother and I went for an evening walk, the night was crisp but too cold with a canopy of stars visible despite the city lights, where I turned to see a bright balls of fire hanging above us like lantern bursting with mirth and spilling its dazzling light. With a finger he pointed out to three prominent stars in the sky that seemed to fall on a line of their own. He then introduced to me the kind 'Sir Orion' who soon turned out to be the first constellation I learned. A belt and a sword tucked in its quiver and was this man, a brave and mighty hunter with two loyal canines, the lesser dog and the greater dog at his heels. His dogs follow his lead as he seemed to be so enamored by this group of beauteous nymphs, the seven sisters of the Pleiades who happened to be guarded by the bull, causing him to be on a state of perpetual journeying, chasing them endlessly across the sky.

And so I fell in love with this handsome stranger, born out of the skies and born from the stars. I don't see how one can be so numb to the beauty of space and the glory of the heavens and continue to live, if only one were half alive?

When you see a falling star, they say the only real good wish to make at that point (knowing that it is actually a meteor) is to wish for it to NOT fall on where you are standing! But not to worry, most of them really just burn out in the earth's atmosphere and some just pass by without hitting any of us. With all the hurtful things in life, all the everyday cares and worries, unmet goals, broken promises and lost hopes. I think I know just the perfect wish!

The very essence of me

I say the following too much:

1- Cool
2- heyaaaa
3- what the hell
4- Hopeless case
5- DAMMIT
6- Idiotic
7- Psychopath
8- Are you for real?
9- Are you kidding me?
10- Oh Man!
11- You suck.
12- This sucks.
13- Ooo la la
14- How much? Oh who cares, I'll buy it.
15- Aye Khudaya
16- Oookiess
17- Okidoki dooo

I write the following too much:

1- eh?
2- huh?
3- heheheheh
4- hahahahahha
5- what?
6- you suck
7- Hilarious!
8- heelllllaaaaaaaaa
9- ahoooooooooooooo
10- oookies

I do the following too much:

WASTE TIME.

Hyperthymesia

According to Wikipedia:

"Hyperthymesia or hyperthymestic syndrome is a condition where the affected individual has a superior autobiographical memory. The two defining characteristics of hyperthymesia are 1) the person spends an abnormally large amount of time thinking about his or her personal past, and 2) the person has an extraordinary capacity to recall specific events from their personal past."

Can you imagine that? Remembering everything? Everything? Granted, it's an extremely rare condition, with only two known people with hyperthymesia in the world, but the very idea boggles my mind.

I don't think there's anything more merciful, more healing, than the reliable knowledge that memory is but a fleeting concept - selective and forgiving. You hold on to the good ones and embellish them a little bit further so that everything is rosy pink, and you blur the unpleasant ones, and comepletely delete (and then empty recycle bin) those ones that are known to cause a stabbing pain every time you recall them.

But if you can't help but remember the most mundane details, wouldn't you be terrified of even forming any memories?

Terrifying.

Am so over it

I've been out of the social circle lately. I don't answer my phone much, I don't answer my messages, I hide from people, I'm not attending any social gathering or parties and I change into my pyjamas as soon as I get home from college, to make sure no one would dare bother me and suggest something preposterous, like me leaving the sanctuary of my net world I have buried myself alive in. Then what the hell am I doing? Studying? eh, you must be kidding! I'm on writing spree these days. Am writing diaries all the day long and know what this is the 3rd blog post of the day!

Why am I doing this? I have the slightest bit of explanation. Am over with it. Over with everyone and everything. Its not that am being too much self centered, but the very fact that I have lost the charm, charm in living you can say. Its been more than 7 years now that I went through the same phase. I remember, back then when no one use to talk to me, books were my best friends, I used to miss out on an entire night of sleep, staying up until 5:30 in the morning to finish my gorgeous books irrespective of mum yelling on my back to sleep (needless to mention the migraine that used to followe that stupid, stupid night of reading and not even to mention that was the sole reason why I always always use to land up in hospital).

Books- my bestest friends (:D) what can I say? (seems as if am writing a testimonial) I'm so paranoid about books, that I won't even share the name of the book, in case someone goes out and buys next part before I've had the chance to hunt all over town for it. I will develop a hernia and then proceed to have a cow if I am finished with part 1 and don't have next part anywhere in the near vicinity. I kid you not. I feel very strongly about this.

Trust...

You can't always trust what you hear, but trust all that you see. Most of the time it's best to trust your gut feeling. People will tell you anything when they know you trust them
How weird it is that 'trust' never exists single

Words...

I caress them
then cast them away
I love them
and then sacrifice them to doubt
I hate them
and then apologize to their trace in my life.
Words and I are at war from now on.

My Immortal

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along
~Evanescence

sick of everything!

I'm sick, and so I'm leaving. it doesn't get any more simple than that. how long? can't really tell right now. until I'm okay. just wish me "good" recovery!

thank you for everything, things wouldn't have been any better. and I wouldn't have wished for more.

love you all *hugs*

Feeling BAD!

Feeling BAD!
Plainly BAD

Art of flattery

My mother and my brother decided to have a bit of a house warming party (that was supposedly a barbecue party) last night, where a total of 12 (or was it 13?) women ogled me (needless to mention about men from the party cause they did'nt bugged me down). Saying it was slightly uncomfortable is definitely putting it mildly. In fact, saying that I was like a fish out of water is not only the understatement of the century, it's actually kinda like saying Michael Jackson is a freak and expecting someone out there to disagree with you.

Anyway, after I was asked around five times what I'm studying and/or what college I go to (I am doing post graduated now, people, but I don't blame them, thanks to the aforementioned fish-out-of-water vibe I was letting off, coupled with what I am sure is a look of petrified fear on my face), after explaining around 12 times what I am studying (beats me), imagine my condition explaining those ogled freaks what biochemistry exactly is... anyway, after having my waist measured by approximately four pairs of hands accompanied by shrieking exclamations of OH MY GOD YOU HAVE LOST SO MUCH WEIGHT LOOK AT YOU, YOU ARE FINALLY PRETTY,!!! (WHAT? you must be blind or something!), getting cornered by exactly three women LOUDER THAN ME CAN YOU BELIEVE IT, who seemed to have a strange interest in my future and their overwhelming curiosity as to when am going to marry(huh??) and listening to maybe seven pointless jokes about how it must have been me who made every one of the dishes weighing down the dining table despite my assurances that I hate parties like these where you'll be cut to throat with loads of work, and finally, after carrying all their scraped-clean plates and glasses back and forth to the kitchen something like 4781357183 times, they finally herded themselves out and were on their merry way, leaving us with plenty of yummy leftovers. I was totally fine with it all, I grabbed a plate of left overs and watched Bird on a wire, which, I think, is one of the best movies ever, but anyway....I digress.

Ten minutes after they had left, my mom grinned at me and exclaimed, "Everyone said my daughter is so pretty! Everyone told me I have a pretty daughter!"

And I'm thinking to myself, ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?!?! Like, dear mother of mine, what did you EXPECT them to say?? Even if your daughter had a harelip, was cross-eyed, sported green and stank to high heaven, they would still shower you with flattery and say Mashallah and call me pretty - what else are they going to say?!??! This is NOT a compliment to be trusted. They told you that you have a pretty daughter, sure, but in the same breath, they also said that you have a pretty home, that the sheek kabab is great, and that the tandoori chicken is magnificent. And let's be serious here - the sheek kabab was SO NOT GREAT.

I couldn't help but think of our inherent need to flatter everyone we meet, left, right and centre. Not to mention a conversation I had with a friend only yesterday, about how taken we are, as a culture, with showering each other with insincere compliments. It's constant. "I love your bag, is that new?" "Oh what a nice car, such a great colour!" "Your T-shirt is so cool, I love it!" Etc Etc...

Damn, man! If it wasn't for Bird on a wire, I don't know WHAT I would have done.

PS: If you didn't watch Bird on wire. Go and get it! Its an awesome movie. Or may be it made me felt that way because am a big fan of Mel Gibson.