Less

our marvelous brain…
home of words and songs
of flights and falls
of suicides and renewals
of Shakespeare and Machiavelli…
home
little great home...
where we sometimes feel
homeless.

Words

PS: Am dedicating this to all my friends

Desperation post

I hate it that I do not have a single coherent thought to blog comprehensively about. I honestly have been thinking on what to post for the past 24 hours at least - it's that intense. I can't bare the thought of allowing a day to pass without having posted a single post, and so the pressure is increasing, I'm stressing and I've come up with nothing.

I think the bottom line is: I have nothing to say at the moment.

Wow.

Naaz. Having. Nothing. To. Say.

This is a big deal. Huh. I'm gonna have to think about that.

SOS

It's back. It's so completely back. This is VERY BAD. Very very bad.

The insomnia is back - has been for THREE DAYS now. It is 4:47 in the morning and I am WIDE AWAKE. Last night I passed out at 4:45 I think.

The night before that, I did'nt sleep at all as I was traveling back home in an idiotic cumbersome bus. And both times, I'm wide awake 3 hours later. NOW, instead, it's almost 5, there's no hope or salvation in sight, and I am SO gonna pay for this tomorrow.

I'm like the living dead. When I'm not being unnaturally hyper, that is.

My mind has been racing for three days now. And I lost the brakes that will make it stop and park on the side for a while so I can recharge my batteries.

What to do, what to do, what to do????

If I don't get some relief soon, my plan is to just run as fast as I can straight into the wall, head first. I'm thinking, the impact will probably knock me out, and I'll sink, unconscious, to the floor, and indulge in a deep and undisturbed sleep.

Good idea, no?

Yes, yes. Good idea.

Pointless

I wish I can play the guitar.

Demise

Okay! Lets face it! I seriously can't leave this place. This place is my stress buster after all. Well what I think is sometimes the only way we can face our fears is to voice them. And instead of 'that whatever thing' tormenting you, you better have to blast it out. It’s almost like a deliverance of sorts. Once it’s given a voice, the fear of it diminishes. I do not recommend dwelling on fears, because that is when fear will consume you. It loves to be the focus of attention, and it will dance with all its might if given a chance. Scribbling your mind is something like fear therapy. By bringing it to the light, it is not a hidden monster, festering in the depths of my anxiety-ridden soul.

Being attached to health related field makes me appreciate how easy it is for people to die from one single mistake. It happens in the best hospitals in the world and by the most competent doctors that you can think of and in a country like India it is sometimes bound to happen . There isn't a doctor, a nurse, or a pharmacist in the world who can say she/he have not committed at least ten big mistakes in their career. The major part as well goes to the hospital authorities.

But on the other side, the reality of nonexistence is too bitter, too cold and too detached. It really hurts watching your loved one dieing in front of you. And the delirium goes to the peak when the reason of death is a simple mistake or negligence done by someone. Just a similar incident to narrate is of my uncle's. Few months back he was admitted to hospital, reason: having fractured pelvic girdle resulted from sudden collapse. Doctors thought operating and fitting metal strips is the only best option instead of traction/ other alternative. After a successful operation yet he died from hospital acquired complications-pneumonia, staph, and serratia.

Need a break!

I'm totally done explaining people what I am and what I am not. What I did and what I did'nt. What compelled me to speak out and what I fear would befall if I speak now. It really sounds pathetic now that people out there are thinking that am deriving pleasure out of it! And getting irritated. Irritated? ahan! yeah!! I am irritated explaining you all my plight because you all are misunderstanding. Why don't you all understand that every individual is different and unique. The way I perceive things, you might not perceive things the same way- plainly, because am not YOU! Not even like SHE/HE! And I just cant be like anyone else! If you hate me for am not what you want me to be or for what am not doing which you expect me to do, then simply HATE me!

Even now you don't understand? Well, I'm what I'll be trying to figure out for the rest of my life. Not your business? yeah I know, Um.. I'm what I want you to believe. Most people like me, if you go with the herd, you might find me adorable, simply because I'm VERY ordinary. I have my own individuality and this is the way I am. I cant be you and I don't want you to be like me.


Well, anyways, I seriously need a break, I guess.
This is my last post of the month, or better still till I'm very much okay.
See you all later.

Rants and Rambles

This blog is dedicated to the art of complaining.
My head is numb and so as my fingers. (Excess Adrenalin secretion perhaps)
Heart, full of pain inside.
Yet am smiling just to show others that am alright. But who am I kidding?
I want to start this off as a way for me to let out the rants and ramblings that may fester within my soul if left inside me, but who am I kidding again? I TRY and tell myself that I'm actively trying to avoid trouble, but that's a joke, because a) trouble finds me wherever I am, and b) this blog and orkut profile has gotten me into enough trouble as it is, so I'm obviously delusional.

In human intercourse the tragedy begins, not when there is misunderstanding about words, but when silence is not understood

Frozen

You only see what your eyes want to see
How can life be what you want it to be
You're frozen
When your heart's not open

You're so consumed with how much you get
You waste your time with hate and regret
You're broken
When your heart's not open

Mmmmmm, if I could melt your heart
Mmmmmm, we'd never be apart
Mmmmmm, give yourself to me
Mmmmmm, you hold the key

Now there's no point in placing the blame
And you should know I suffer the same
If I lose you
My heart will be broken

Love is a bird, she needs to fly
Let all the hurt inside of you die
You're frozen
When your heart's not open

If I could melt your heart
~Madonna

PS: My all time favorite song. Simply love it!