lost?

watching the colors of my mind
my eye felt something was missing.
I looked for it in my present
then in my future.
but the color of innocence
is to be found only
in my past.
which cannot be brought back
since I am not a child now.
how comfortable it is
to be sinless.
how comfortable it is
to stay inside yourself
and never really know the outside of the shell.
how uncomfortable it is
to choose life as it is
and carry the burden of your mistakes.

I have wondered sometimes whether being a monk is a sign of strength or of weakness. Because from where I stand I see that knowing love, pain and all the other human feelings, God has given us a sign of knowing ourselves better. It is only when we carry a sin that our true strength reveals itself and grows. It is only when we fall we really rise to know ourselves. Or maybe I am just inventing an excuse for my own mistakes...?